The resurgence of the mullet is one of life’s great mysteries.
It is a filthy haircut that should have been left in the 1990s.
The mullet is, by all objective measures, an ugly hairstyle. It doesn’t look good with any form of clothing, is unflattering to the face, defies all rules of stylistic proportion and, since 2020, conjures up images of jailed tiger-loving nutcase Joe Exotic.
There are only two redeeming qualities of the mullet – that it allows you to identify a Collingwood supporter without having to count their teeth and Iran banned it for being an “un-Islamic”, “decadent western cut”.
Not that it really makes me think of decadence. Perhaps the only hairstyle worse is the rat tail.
So thank heavens someone is starting to enforce some standards.
The Herald Sun this week reported that parents of Victorian private school boys are up in arms over a growing crackdown on the mullet.
Schools such as Marcellin College, in Melbourne, are enforcing haircut rules that ban mullets, aggressive fades and other unkempt styles.
One parent told the Herald Sun that the policy was “basically a suspension for the minor offence of expressing their personality through their haircut”.
Newsflash: it’s not the school’s job to let your son do whatever the hell he wants.
Schools have had uniform policies forever and a day. No one complains that his or her son is being deprived of the opportunity to express his personality because he’s not allowed to go to school in pyjamas.
Haircuts are no different. It is the prerogative of the school to decide how its students should present.
If they’d prefer boys came to school not looking like bogans, then that’s fair enough.
Private schools are not only concerned with marks in the classroom – they’re charged with looking after and building a whole person. It’s as much about character as it is academic outcomes.
Part of that is teaching the realities of the world and civil society, including pride in one’s appearance and what that conveys to the world.
A mullet does not represent the values for which most private schools stand.
And it’s not like you don’t know those values when you sign your son up to a private school.
You can always take your tens of thousands of dollars annually and send your son to a public school instead – it never hurt me.
Trinity Grammar deputy headmaster Rohan Brown caused a kerfuffle in 2018 when he trimmed a boy’s fringe on photo day after warning parents that their sons were to come to school with their hair cut.
He was sacked – and the school community cut crook.
Students went on strike, refused to wear their uniforms and protested to “bring back Brownie”. And that they did a month later.
Mr Brown didn’t just care about marks – he cared about the boys. That’s why he cut a student’s hair and the students understood that.
In a world where standards are slipping – just look at the way people dress in offices post-pandemic – these schools ought to be congratulated.
It’s not hard to not look like a bum.
Caleb Bond is an Sydney-based commentator and host of The Late Debate on Sky News Australia.