‘I feel attacked as a man who would never hurt a woman’

This week, our resident sexologist Isiah McKimmie advises a man to rethink how he responds to so-called “attacks”.

QUESTION: I’m an Aussie man and I feel attacked by all of the talk about violence against women that’s in the news at the moment. I have never and would never hurt a woman – wouldn’t even dream of it. Yet, all I read about is how men need to “step up” and “do better”. But what do women want us to do? My sisters keep saying it and my female colleagues seem to talk of nothing else. How do I explain to them that I’m not the problem?

ANSWER: I’m glad you’ve had the courage to speak up and write about this. I know that many men feel the same way you do and I think this is an important conversation to have.

I hear that you’re triggered. I understand those feelings are real and difficult for you to process. But we are going to need some self-reflection and awareness here.

Women want to feel safe – and right now, we so often don’t.

Yes, we know it’s ‘not all men’. But it is, all too often, a man.

When you talk about ‘us’, I assume you’re talking about men, like yourself, who believe they would never hurt a woman physically.

Not all men abuse or kill women. However, the rates that women experience violence from men is significantly higher than men who experience violence from women.

As the old adage goes, if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. Not harming women yourself isn’t enough – you also need to be part of the solution.

While we understand that not all men are the problem, we exist within a system that has problems. All men can be part of the solution.

Violence against women doesn’t start with violence. It starts with attitudes and ideas.

Experts in domestic violence are clear that gender norms and attitudes, what we often call sexism and misogyny, are part of the problem of the violence that occurs against women by men. (Again, this violence occurs at significantly higher rates than women being violent with men.)

So what we need is deep cultural and individual psychological change in gender attitudes and norms. You can be part of that change.

Focus on changing men, not changing women’s minds about men.

Right now, you’re putting your energy into trying to convince women to have a different view, rather than putting your energy into changing the views and behaviour of other men.

It’s likely that right now, the women around you aren’t sharing their views in ways that are easy to hear. Know that they’re feeling tired, angry and afraid.

So many women have very real experiences of being in danger with men.

You’re privileged to have women around you who are sharing their experience.

Listen to them. Learn from them.

Instead of making the conversation about how you’re one of the good men, deeply listen to the women around you. Try to understand how they might feel and what their experiences have been. Show empathy for the ways that they’ve been hurt and afraid.

Doing that will go some way to demonstrating that you’re not part of the problem.

Also consider spending your time convincing other men not to be frightening to women. Help change the attitudes and behaviours that lead to violence against women.

Actions you can take that help keep women safe

Here are some actions you can take to be part of the solution:

• Speak up when you hear other men making any demeaning, condescending or sexist remarks to or about women

• ‘Jokes’ that demean women or condone violence or assault towards women helps normalise actions that follow. Don’t laugh along with it. Have zero tolerance

• Call out any form of sexism or misogyny. Talk to men about what they can do to have a zero-tolerance policy for it too

• Start conversations with the men you know about how you can change attitudes and create more safety for women

• Speak up and make complaints against media that is sexist, misogynistic or demeaning towards women

• Help create safe spaces for women in your personal and professional life

• Try to understand why you’re triggered

To really be part of the solution, you’re also going to need self reflection. This is the hard part. You need to examine your own (probably unconscious) beliefs, attitudes and bias.

Perhaps start by asking yourself, where in my life have I witnessed violence or abuse of a woman? How did that make me feel? What did I do about it at the time?

Another helpful place to start is the Implicit Association Test created by Harvard University.

It’s also going to be helpful to understand why you are so triggered by the conversations going on around you too. Unpack your own beliefs about masculinity and gender norms, violence and victims of violence.

This inner work isn’t easy. I respect anyone willing to really dive in.

Isiah McKimmie is a Couples Therapist, Sexologist, Sex Therapist and Lecturer. To book a session with her, visit her website or follow her on Instagram for more advice on relationships, sex and intimacy.